February is a beautiful month. One of my most favorite days of the year is in February...it is my daughter's birthday! Lauren turned 15 years old earlier this month...15 years old! When did this happen, when did she grow up? It happens right before our very eyes, this development of a beautiful person, and it happens quickly, then before you know it, your baby isn't a baby anymore.
 |
| Me and Lauren and Abby @ Christmas |
Lauren has always been a joy to me right from the minute I knew she was there. We had a great pregnancy, she was active and I fell in love with her during our special 9 months together. I can remember that she was most active when I would get still, so when I was trying to go to sleep or just waking up she would make her presence more known than usual. I would talk to her, rub my belly, sing to her, and pray over her...even though I hadn't seen her face I loved her in a way I couldn't even explain...I loved her like a mom.
 |
| Lauren |
When Lauren arrived in February in 1997, she was beautiful. I mean really beautiful. All the nurses and doctors kept telling my husband and I how beautiful she was; we were even on a local TV news report the day after she was born! It was pretty funny because right after she was born and they took her to the nursery to clean her up, my husband went with them. He had almost missed her coming, he had left at my request (he was making me nervous with all his pacing back and forth!) so he and my brother took a
really long lunch break and by the time he got back Lauren was making her grand entrance into the world. But as soon as she was born, he was by her side every second. So he went with her to the nursery and the nurse who was bathing her was oohing and aahing over her and she looked right at Michael and said, "Your little girl is beautiful and she is going to have a fantastic figure, you can tell by her little body now, you better watch out Daddy!" Well if he wasn't one already in that moment Michael instantly became the most protective Daddy out there!!
 |
| My mom (Laurie), Abby & Lauren |
Michael and I were young parents, we loved each other but we didn't really know each other...you know the way you know someone when you have been with them for a long time. Michael and I meet in February of 1996, he asked me to marry him in May, we were pregnant in June, married in November, and new parents the following February! Needless to say we didn't do everything exactly the way we should. But when I opened the bathroom door holding a positive pregnancy test, Michael took me in his arms and said, "We aren't going to let anyone make this baby a bad thing. I love you and the baby." And she has never been a bad thing, she wasn't bad timing, or a mistake in any way shape or form. In fact she has been our greatest joy, our richest reward, she and her sister are the loves of our lives. However when she was born we were pretty young and we didn't really know each other well, let alone how we wanted to parent a new baby. He was in the restaurant business and was gone a lot and he missed important things along the way, things he wishes now he was there for. My mom helped me TONS in those first few years, shoot she still helps me now...just not as intensively:)! I can remember very early on calling her crying, Lauren crying in the background, and she would come right over and calm the baby down first and then me. She nursed us back to health when we both got super sick and has let us all move in with her more than once while we grew up and became the parents and people she knew we could be. We had a great support system, not just from my mom, our families were amazing. We would come home and there would be diapers and wipes at our doorstep, we would get checks in the mail, encouragement, love, and support from everyone. They were cheering us on and helping us if we needed it.
 |
| Lauren holding her new baby sister |
Of course things were hard but they were worth it. If I could go back and do it again I would do things differently but not because of Lauren but
for Lauren. I know that no matter what or when things happened, she has been destined before the foundations of the Earth and Michael and I have been designed to be her parents. I don't think God's planning would have been rocked to the core had we waited in fact that was His perfect plan, we just got in the way. I know as sure as I will wake up with freckles tomorrow that Lauren is our girl and nothing would ever change that. However, I wish I could have given her more in those early days, I wish I was better than I was then. I have worked hard on myself to be the mom she deserves to have. I know Jesus saved my soul, He is my all and all but I also know that Lauren brought me back to life. I was lost and broken and bitter and angry. I was consumed with it even though I smiled and laughed and was ever so nice to everyone. I hated myself and wallowed in negative thoughts and feelings about myself. I was dying to who God really wanted me to be and I was so lost that I didn't even know it. Then Lauren came. There she was, perfect, flawless, trusting, impressionable, mine. What was I going to give her? What was I going to do to her? What kind of daughter was I going to raise in the state I was in? I knew I didn't have what it was going to take to give her what she needed, to give her what she deserved; I knew I was going to only give her what I had and that was all ugly and I couldn't, wouldn't give my precious baby girl that.
 |
| Our beautiful Lauren |
I can remember the day it happened. I was rocking her to sleep in her room, rocking and singing the lullaby that my mom sang to me. "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus there's just something about that Name. Master, Savior, Jesus like the fragrance after the rain. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus let all Heaven and Earth proclaim, kings and kingdoms shall all pass away but there's something about that Name." As I looked down on the face of my sweet sleeping daughter, tears fell from my eyes. I was overwhelmed, knowing that I was going to mess her up. I didn't have what it was going to take to raise her the way she needed, the way I wanted. I wasn't enough, I was all wrong on the inside to give her what she needed from a mom. My quiet, devastated tears turned into full fledged weeping. I didn't want to mess her up...I knew I would make mistakes...but I didn't have what she needed on a mom level. I cried out to God...to Jesus, to the One I was singing about; the fragrance, my Master, my Savior, my Jesus. I cried out to Him in desperation, in longing, in need and I asked Him to forgive me, to cleanse me, heal me, to make me right before Him and for Him. I begged Him in a fashion that most assuredly wasn't needed, all I needed to do was ask and He met me there, right in that little room with my baby's sweet sleeping body cradled in my arms. She never stirred, never whimpered, never moved, she just slept peacefully while Jesus met her mommy right where she was at. My life changed that night. It had already changed in the biggest natural ways possible, I was a wife and a mother. But it changed for real that night. I became fresh and new while rocking Lauren to sleep. My life began again that night. I searched after the Lord with all my heart and might. I knew He was the answer to what I needed and in return to what Lauren and Michael needed too.
That was 15 years ago. And still to this very day Lauren is the love of our lives. She and her sister are our joy, our gifts and rewards from God. I know I have made mistakes raising Lauren but I'm quick to apologize to her if needed and repent before the Lord as well. Lauren today is still beautiful. She is beautiful on the outside but she is more importantly beautiful on the inside. She is strong in her faith, loving, kind, teachable, and precious. She is His, and He has allowed her dad and me to have stewardship over her. I have been entrusted with a mighty gift by being her mom. I pray everyday that I honor and value what I have been trusted with. Lauren is a normal teenage girl, she knows every word of every song she loves but bemoans learning her vocab words for the week. She has a messy room. She loves to shop for clothes, and if I let her would own high heel shoes in every shape and color. She listens to her music too loud in the morning and other times of the day too. She takes forever to get ready, even when we are just going to the grocery store. She is hilarious. She is forgiving, and patient...even with her little sister...although no one pushes her buttons better than Abby:)! She likes her nails done. She has a great sense of style. She has a servants heart. She has a purpose and destiny to reach people for Jesus. She smiles way more than she pouts and she laughs way more than she cries. She is amazing and I thank God for her. I thank Him for letting me be her mom, for challenging me to grow up and be who I needed to be for Him, for myself, for my husband, and for her and Abby. She is an incredible person, God did an amazing job creating her, she is absolutely some of His best work!!
 |
| Lauren and Abby |
So in this month, Lauren's birthday month, I thank you Lord for giving me Lauren. Thank you for making her part of our family. Thank you for the beautiful creation she is and for the extraordinary opportunity to be her mom. In Your divine wisdom You knew she was exactly what I needed. Thank you in advance for continuing to make me who I need to be for You, for my hubby, and for Lauren and Abby. You are good to me and even though my thanks doesn't seem enough to express my heart, I thank you anyway!
I love you Lauren Michelle, you are my gift, my reward from God and He has rewarded me well.
Michael and I were young parents, we loved each other but we didn't really know each other...you know the way you know someone when you have been with them for a long time. Michael and I meet in February of 1996, he asked me to marry him in May, we were pregnant in June, married in November, and new parents the following February! Needless to say we didn't do everything exactly the way we should. But when I opened the bathroom door holding a positive pregnancy test, Michael took me in his arms and said, "We aren't going to let anyone make this baby a bad thing. I love you and the baby." And she has never been a bad thing, she wasn't bad timing, or a mistake in any way shape or form. In fact she has been our greatest joy, our richest reward, she and her sister are the loves of our lives. However when she was born we were pretty young and we didn't really know each other well, let alone how we wanted to parent a new baby. He was in the restaurant business and was gone a lot and he missed important things along the way, things he wishes now he was there for. My mom helped me TONS in those first few years, shoot she still helps me now...just not as intensively:)! I can remember very early on calling her crying, Lauren crying in the background, and she would come right over and calm the baby down first and then me. She nursed us back to health when we both got super sick and has let us all move in with her more than once while we grew up and became the parents and people she knew we could be. We had a great support system, not just from my mom, our families were amazing. We would come home and there would be diapers and wipes at our doorstep, we would get checks in the mail, encouragement, love, and support from everyone. They were cheering us on and helping us if we needed it.
I can remember the day it happened. I was rocking her to sleep in her room, rocking and singing the lullaby that my mom sang to me. "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus there's just something about that Name. Master, Savior, Jesus like the fragrance after the rain. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus let all Heaven and Earth proclaim, kings and kingdoms shall all pass away but there's something about that Name." As I looked down on the face of my sweet sleeping daughter, tears fell from my eyes. I was overwhelmed, knowing that I was going to mess her up. I didn't have what it was going to take to raise her the way she needed, the way I wanted. I wasn't enough, I was all wrong on the inside to give her what she needed from a mom. My quiet, devastated tears turned into full fledged weeping. I didn't want to mess her up...I knew I would make mistakes...but I didn't have what she needed on a mom level. I cried out to God...to Jesus, to the One I was singing about; the fragrance, my Master, my Savior, my Jesus. I cried out to Him in desperation, in longing, in need and I asked Him to forgive me, to cleanse me, heal me, to make me right before Him and for Him. I begged Him in a fashion that most assuredly wasn't needed, all I needed to do was ask and He met me there, right in that little room with my baby's sweet sleeping body cradled in my arms. She never stirred, never whimpered, never moved, she just slept peacefully while Jesus met her mommy right where she was at. My life changed that night. It had already changed in the biggest natural ways possible, I was a wife and a mother. But it changed for real that night. I became fresh and new while rocking Lauren to sleep. My life began again that night. I searched after the Lord with all my heart and might. I knew He was the answer to what I needed and in return to what Lauren and Michael needed too. 
That was 15 years ago. And still to this very day Lauren is the love of our lives. She and her sister are our joy, our gifts and rewards from God. I know I have made mistakes raising Lauren but I'm quick to apologize to her if needed and repent before the Lord as well. Lauren today is still beautiful. She is beautiful on the outside but she is more importantly beautiful on the inside. She is strong in her faith, loving, kind, teachable, and precious. She is His, and He has allowed her dad and me to have stewardship over her. I have been entrusted with a mighty gift by being her mom. I pray everyday that I honor and value what I have been trusted with. Lauren is a normal teenage girl, she knows every word of every song she loves but bemoans learning her vocab words for the week. She has a messy room. She loves to shop for clothes, and if I let her would own high heel shoes in every shape and color. She listens to her music too loud in the morning and other times of the day too. She takes forever to get ready, even when we are just going to the grocery store. She is hilarious. She is forgiving, and patient...even with her little sister...although no one pushes her buttons better than Abby:)! She likes her nails done. She has a great sense of style. She has a servants heart. She has a purpose and destiny to reach people for Jesus. She smiles way more than she pouts and she laughs way more than she cries. She is amazing and I thank God for her. I thank Him for letting me be her mom, for challenging me to grow up and be who I needed to be for Him, for myself, for my husband, and for her and Abby. She is an incredible person, God did an amazing job creating her, she is absolutely some of His best work!! 
I commented on Facebook
ReplyDeleteGreat post! Love that girl and you too, sweetie!!
ReplyDelete